Saying Goodbye

Carly Simon: "I'll wait no more for you, like a daughter. That part of our life together is over. But I'll wait for you, forever, like a river. In the river I know I'll find the key. And your voice will rise like the spray. I'm right beside you. I'll never turn away." from Like a River


Every stage of our lives has its own rhythm or drumbeat. Some years speed by so quickly that it's easy to feel almost cheated. Other times or events have such a surreal, altered reality. And toward the end of life, time is often spent just waiting. Waiting for the medical tests. Waiting for the test results. Waiting to see the doctor. Waiting for dinner. Waiting for visitors. Waiting for the nurses' shift change. 

Then reality tilts again and the waiting changes... a little the same, a little different. Waiting for the call from hospice. Waiting for the delivery of the hospital bed. Waiting for a change in vital signs. Waiting for the next dose of morphine.

The time spent waiting is also spent reading aloud - Kahlil Gibran's poetry and children's books. Or listening to music -  big band, classical, religious. Laughter is heard from another room as favorite family stories are retold and songs are sung. The moon fades, the sun rises and hands are held, tears shed and prayers recited. 

Eventually the room is unnaturally still, quiet and empty. The eyeglasses are neatly folded and sit on the bedside table. Favorite pillows are carefully placed on chairs. The TV screen is dark and unblinking. Lamps are turned off. It's as if the room and its contents are also waiting for her to return. 

   

Sometimes song lyrics or book passages come to mind when we need them the most. They can remind us that we're not alone in our experiences, especially loss. Carly Simon's song Like a River begins with sisters sorting through their deceased mother's items, fighting over pearls when the real struggle is with fear, grief and exhaustion. It happens every day in many families, in many communities.

The Baby Boomer generation (1945-1964) is saying goodbye to the Greatest Generation (1910-1925). In 2015, it was estimated that veterans of World War II were dying at a rate of approximately 492 each day. National World War II Museum (New Orleans) and Veterans Administration report that there are fewer than one million remaining, out of 16 million, of those who served. California has the most veterans with approximately 93,000; Alaska has the fewest at about 1500. According to the U.S. Census Bureau and U.S. Department of Commerce, in 2012, six percent of the general American population was 75 years and older; 1.9 percent of the population was 85 years or older.  

When saying goodbye gets to be too difficult or overwhelming, there are counselors, doctors, family, friends and support groups. And books - poetry, memoirs and guides may help with the worst of days. 

The Theft of Memory - Jonathan Kozol. Simply stated by Kozol, he lost his father to Alzheimer's disease one day at a time.  

Let's Take the Long Way Home - Gail Caldwell. Women's friendships and loss are poignantly shared in this elegantly written memoir.
  
A Widow's Story - Joyce Carol Oates. Oates' story of rebuilding her life after her husband's death.

The Year of Magical Thinking & Blue Nights - Joan Didion. The author brings readers along on dealing with grief after experiencing deaths of her husband and daughter. 

When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi. This memoir about dying has been described as moving and thoughtful by the Washington Post.

Bettyville - George Hodgman. Be prepared to laugh and cry (sometimes at the same time) while reading this memoir of caring for an aging, often difficult parent.

The End of Your Life Book Club - Will Schwalbe. Books and long conversations about books were shared by Schwalbe and his mother. Readers will feel as if they personally knew his mother.
  
The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch. A popular professor leaves his students with the gift of a final lecture on life and death.

Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? - Roz Chast. A cartoon memoir, Chast introduces us to her parents and their increasing need for care...and their eccentricities.

What Comes Next and How to Like It - Abigail Thomas. This memoir is about what happens after grief...aging, creativity, friendship and the bonds of family (and dogs). 

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Mary Chapin Carpenter: "Grief rides quietly on the passenger side/unwanted company on a long, long drive." from Learning the World

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The Truth About Grief - Ruth Davis Konigsberg. An examination of grief quite different from the often quoted work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Is it possible that humans are "pretty well programmed to get over loss"? 

Final Gifts - Maggie Callahan & Patricia Kelley. Two hospice nurses share their experiences with death and grief.

Other books about grief: 

Comfort: A Journey Through Grief - Ann Hood
American Book of Living and Dying - Richard Groves & Henriette A. Klauser
Refined by Fire - Mary Potter Kenyon
Kayak Morning - Roger Rosenblatt

Other books to consider:

Ten Poems to Say Goodbye - Roger Housden. 
Mayo Clinic Handbook for Happiness - Amit Soud MD


Mary Chapin Carpenter: "I saw my father in a dream last night. He was smiling and saying you're going to be alright. And this morning I stared back at myself feeling as empty as I've ever felt. But I keep on going and I hope I've learned more of what's right than what's wrong." from Chasing What's Already Gone

                                    
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